"I want to explore certain kinks or fantasies with my partner but I’m not sure how to approach it and I don’t want them to think I’m weird…"
First off - it makes sense that it might be hard to approach your partner about things you’re wanting to try. Especially because there’s a whole heap of shame that often comes with how we view things that may be more fringe within the sexual realm.
Second, we’d like to applaud you for leaning into your sexual curiosities! Being open and exploring new things can be liberating, exciting, and feel amazing, but when involving another person it’s important to build a strong foundation of trust, consent, and understanding around the something new you’re wanting to try.
Step 1: Approach it with your partner gently and in a neutral territory
Best to avoid right before, during, or after being intimate with your partner as emotions (and hormones) can be heightened.
Pick a time when neither of you is stressed after a long day or work or feeling hangry - highly emotional spaces are off limits! If you’re feeling uncomfortable, make an agreement right at the start that it’s a judgment-free conversation.
Step 2: Jump in!
‘So, I’ve been curious about trying ‘X rated activity’ with you...’.
Instead of simply letting this suggestion hang in the air, try providing further context by explaining:
- your reasons behind it
- your boundaries with activity X
- your turn-ons and turn-offs
- ask these same questions of your partner about activity X
Step 3: create space for differences in desires
Have you ever been pestered by a friend or family member multiple times to “try this - you’ll like it!”? This is much the same around sexual experiences. Your partner feeling at all pressured, reluctant or indecisive on suggested kink or fantasy can cause them to retract, making it harder to explore new things in the future. Not to mention, hesitance doesn’t equal content.
Talking about new things for the first time is hard, but with time, it will get easier. If something is new to your partner, do your best to really understand where they are coming from instead of getting frustrated that they may not be on board right away.
Setting boundaries is particularly important when engaging with kink, roleplaying, and fantasies. Talking about these things for the first time is hard, but it will get easier the more you do. If this is new to your partner, respect them and give them time to make a decision.
If there’s unresolvable conflict in your desires, this might be a great opportunity to explore further with a sexologist!
flossy approved sexologist recs:
Have something pleasure related you’re curious about? We get SO excited to see your name in our inbox (+ everything will remain totally anon) so drop us a line – firstname.lastname@example.org